How did I get Here?
I’ve asked myself this so many times. I was a happy, thin, free lady. How am I actually sitting here right now on a mysteriously damp sofa next to a laundry basket full of shit that I don’t even want to fold because the owners of those clothes are just going to throw them all over the floor anyway.
How did I become trapped in this futility?
I got pregnant on purpose at 33. I did prenatal yoga. I avoided all the foods. I carefully thought out and planned my beautiful natural birth. I was prepared. But when my son arrived all of my confidence disappeared. I realized I had no idea how to take care of an infant. And as the weeks at home slid by, my thoughts got darker.
Am I a slave now?
Is this the meaning of my life?
At six months postpartum I ceased being able to function and saw a psychiatrist. I started taking an SSRI and things got a lot better.
(Since I had been diagnosed with depression before having kids my official diagnosis was “Adjustment Disorder”. As in, I was having trouble adjusting to motherhood. This infuriated me, and still does.)
But the loss of my independence didn’t get easier. I resented it. Here I had a beautiful baby that I loved so much, painfully much, and I felt resentful of him. I felt trapped. My back hurt horribly from holding him and trying to get him to latch. I was hardly sleeping. How had this a become my life? I was raised by a hard working feminist mom. Now I was a mush-brained baby-feeder. I felt like my identity had been taken away from me.
I felt so much rage.
And so I drank. A LOT. Eventually I replaced alcohol with weed (which is SO common, isn’t it, ladies?) And started finding myself again.
After a couple of years, I had a daughter, and I began to get motherhood. To feel some confidence in my mothering. I found a loving support system. And as cannabis helped me heal my mind and body, I grew! I grew into a totally new, better version of childless me.
And I found my purpose. To lead other mothers from the darkness. From the unshowered, exhausted, emptiness, to The Life She Wants.
To normalize our problems so we don’t feel alone and ashamed. I joke that my icebreaker when I meet new moms is to confess that I’m incontinent and I love weed. It used to feel so shameful to me. But speaking about it normalizes it.
And sure, some moms judge me. But whatever. I understand where that comes from, too.
I’ll be honest. You’re going to have to take it, ladies. No one is going to give it to you. Your family will probably protest. But you have got to carve out a space for you in your family. As someone other than a caretaker. You will have to create and defend your boundaries. There will be confrontations. You will disappoint those you love. But as you grow into beautiful you, it will all be worth it. All of you will benefit. Your children will grow into healthy adults whose expectations will not further this antiquated, bullshit idea that women care for everybody, while men are free to pursue their ambitions without equal responsibility for the home and family.
This industry is so full of love and sisterhood.
Moms and weed are meant to be.
Let’s shout it from the rooftops and normalize that shit so we can all feel great and be better moms. It’s gonna sound cheesy, but wouldn’t it be amazing if this is the beginning of an age of women? I’ve never seen women rise up and love one another like this at any point in my life so far. It makes me so happy and hopeful. I hope that we are done sacrificing ourselves for our partners and children. We are done allowing our boundaries to be disrespected. We need to heal. And join together. And rise up!
I am Jessica DaCosta, I'm a proud cannabis enthusiast, advocate, and mom of two.